How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
