they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize