Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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