just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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