Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
