I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
