Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize