I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
