I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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