people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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