seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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