my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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