i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
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