This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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