Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My dick has a subreddit
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
