I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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