Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
