shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
