Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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