Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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