new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize