Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
