best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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