What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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