none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
