so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize