it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
