You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
