We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
