so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize