Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
