Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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