I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Two words: nipple clamps
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