turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
