So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
