Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
