the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
