Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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