I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You pole danced in your parka.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Randomize
