STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
