...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize