There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
