i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
