bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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