Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
