yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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