Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses youâ€
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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