Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
