I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
