I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
