You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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