You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
