Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
