Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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