we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
