2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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