6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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