I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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