and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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