So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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