I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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